the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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