Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
