what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
