so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
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I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
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I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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