If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
