"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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