the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
