Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
