Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Randomize
