i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
