i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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