shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
