I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
