Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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