I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
