On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
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