So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
