Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
