You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
