God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
