OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
