she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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