Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
