I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
how drunk are you?
Several
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
