I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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