I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
