seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I just found puke in my bra..
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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