Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Randomize
