My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
