I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
