I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize