i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
