Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Drunk is a universal language darling
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
