dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
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I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
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I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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