I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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