No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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