im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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