Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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