After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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