I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
