Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
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He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
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I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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