My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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