Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
