Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Sober January is a disaster.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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