I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize