i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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