So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
