His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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