If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
