this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
