I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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