while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
