His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just had sex on a roof
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
